The More You Know

A Word On How To Earn Negative Points With People

The easiest way to put people off and eventually put them against you is to hurt their pride. The problem is that dealing with people is not a science. People react to emotion rather than logic and thusly their reactions are not always logical. Things as simple as responding to a question could spawn emotions that put the questioner on the defensive. Rather than obtaining a warm and friendly conversation, a gritty and tense one forms. Take for example something that happened to me recently.

I was at work enjoying some water-cooler-talk at a co-worker’s desk. From the other side of the cube wall another engineer peered over and asked me if he could live edit a file on the main development web server. The file in question, was a library that I wrote.

I was thought “why does this guy want to edit MY library.”

That initial thought was what sent the conversation into an immediate tail spin. It prompted me to feel sole proprietorship over something that belonged to the whole. Instead of being a team player, I became a me-player.

“Why do you need to edit the file.”

“I need to add an id option to the …”

To which I cut him off. The library did nothing with id’s at all. The only things that would use any id would be from application specific implementations. I began to explain that he shouldn’t be adding anything application specific to the library. That it was meant as a stand alone library and that putting those options in the code base would compromise the viability of the library. I used a stern voice as if I was chastising a child.

During this conversation I was standing sideways to his head which bobbed over the cube wall. Upon finishing my rant I turned to look at him and I was shocked. He stood shoulders hunkered down, eyes cast away from me, and was deliberately standing away from me. I, in less than fifteen seconds of speech, made him regret talking to me. I could see it in his face, body language, and his response. I could see how affronted he was.

Now this engineer is a pretty good friend of mine. However, by feeling too much pride and ownership over the library in question, I forgot to approach him with respect. By interrupting him and not letting him explain his situation I was saying “you are not important.” Using a stern voice and telling him “what is what” made him feel as though I saw him as my lesser, devaluing him as a person and as an engineer. Chastising him stripped his pride. I took what could have been a friendly conversation and made it as unfriendly as possible without shouting curses at him and insulting his private life.

What I should have done is focused on what he needed and wanted. His concern was getting his work done. He knew that I was working with the same file and out of respect he came to me to ensure working with it was okay. In return I gave him zero respect and made the situation hostile. The conversation should have been kept on an even level addressing him with a friendly demeanor and willingly saying he could edit the library, but then express interest in what his goal was and offer my help. Doing that would have revealed he wished to work on temporary function I had mistakenly left at the bottom of the file that was supposed to be moved into a public API file.

Not only was the developer free to edit this file, but it was my error that the function was in the wrong place to begin with. Thinking about this, I went to my co-worker’s office and apologized for being so confrontational. Explaining the mistakes I made due to my pride. He responded positively and even accepted my actions. We then discussed the changes and what needed to be done to the code to make the situation better for all. His demeanor changed instantly and he was open and friendly during the whole conversation.

I made a mistake of being prideful. I made the right move by accepting my fault openly and then treating my peer with the respect he deserved. Doing that made him willing to offer information to me and me to him. It created an energy between us that promoted growth and friendship. I praised on his politeness in coming to me and making sure working with the file was okay. He only continued to respond positively.